Meet Pete: Secretary of War Crimes
Super soldiers should be fit and tall, clean-shaven, blue-eyed and blond, like me and their commander in chief.
Sometimes I've committed as many as six war crimes before breakfast.
We Kill More than the survivors of fishing boats we blow up
Doing War Crimes Takes Hard Manhood
War criming is not for sissy weaklings. While all administrations have done war crimes, Field Marshal Hegseth and his nominal boss , President-for-Your-Life Trump, have made war crimes much more easy and fun. No more pretense of girly "law" or unmanly "rules." Here are some of the ways the US Department of War has excelled in war criming:
1. Pardon war criminals!
At the bequest of Hegseth, Trump pardoned several accused or convicted war criminals, including Army First Lieutenant Clint Lawrence, who was serving a 19-year sentence for ordering his soldiers to murder two unarmed Afghan men. He also pardoned Major Mathew Golsteyn, who was awaiting trial for executing an afghan prisoner and had admitted on Fox news that he had committed the murder.
2. Sanction the World Court!
Under Viceroy Trump, the United has sanctioned judges and prosecutors of the ICC, the body that investigates and prosecutes war crimes. This is a great way to let the world know our pro-war crime USA values!
3. Stop cooperating with investigations!
The Great and Mighty Trump has eviscerated the Justice Department's War Crimes Accountability Team, has withdrawn from a multinational group investigating Russian war crimes in Ukraine, and has recommended cutting US funding to global programs that investigate war crimes.
4. Let the military kill civilians!
War Crimes Director Hegseth, who has banned fat people from the military, along with Commander-of-Chefs Trump, who is definitely not obese, have rescinded the rule that required "near certainty" that no civilians will be harmed in military strikes.
5. Promote torture!
Premier Trump has called for the military to bring back illegal torture techniques "a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding."
6. Get rid of oversight!
Herr Trump fired the Inspector General of the Department of Defense (referred to here as the Department of War Crimes). Oversight hinders our brave men in uniform from doing their war crime duties.
